Sometimes I overstep my bounds of friendship. It’s frustrating to feel like that sometimes.
It’s those times when I realize that God is there always. It’s comforting, beyond comforting, to know that I’m not alone even when I’m most lonely.
It’s hard to let go of the ‘worldly’ things that I used to find comfort in.
Last week was a bit rough for me in spots. The previous two weeks were filled with preparation for bachelor party and wedding stuff, so I was in constant contact with lots of people. Last week, everything started going back to normal, and I had some trouble. I got a little lonely. I thought and re-thought about the events of the wedding weekend, and the week seemed a little drab in comparison.
This morning was probably the worst of it, as I got to thinking about relationships. In the past year I’ve seen several of my close friends find love, and sometimes it bums me out. I sometimes think, “When is my turn?” I try to remember that I’ve been blessed by great friendships, yet I find myself feeling left out. In the past few weeks, though, I feel like God has been opening doors for me. I’ve been more confident in myself because I feel secure knowing that God has my back. I’ve had some great conversations with people that I don’t think would have previously been possible.
Even so, this reintroduction into religion has been a struggle. The key for me has been to be myself as much as I can. In high school, I tried to force away any doubt I had as forcefully as possible, and the result was depression. I’m trying my best to listen to myself and address any questions that come up. I try to take others’ opinions about God with grains of salt, to make up my own mind, and to be receptive to the Spirit. I think this is the healthy way to go about it. I want to hang on to who I am, but be willing to change.
In any event, I feel my life changing for the better more and more each day.
Stuffy and Leah got married over the weekend. I got back with Cowboy, Mitch and Carlos around 6pm yesterday (which is a story in itself). I got into work today, and Burly asked me via IM if I was emotionally drained because of the wedding. And the answer I gave was… No! I thought to myself, this must be what normal people feel like after a fun weekend.
Anyway, I guess I hadn’t thought about the fact that I wasn’t drained until Burly asked. I feel like it’s a big step for me. Ever since I started spending time with God again, things have been getting better and better for me. I’ve been able to be myself around more people without feeling drained. I think part of that just comes from life experience and being put into these situations more and more, but a big part of it comes from the support I get from God.
In the past I’ve used the analogy of treading water to describe what it’s like to stay ahead of depression. Sometimes you have to use all your limbs and strength to keep from going under. There’s no land in sight, with only the occasional driftwood to hold on to. With God, I feel more like I have something to stand on, so I have more energy to do other things. I don’t like stupid God analogies like you see on church billboards, but this one is actually true for me.
I’m still trying to figure out how I’m supposed to live, and what God’s place is for me. I doubt that I’ll ever really nail it down, but I’m trying I guess. Maybe that’s all that matters.
One of my personality traits is that I want to be understood. I take it personally when I feel like someone doesn’t understand who I am. Unfortunately, this clashes somewhat with the fact that I’m a passive person most of the time. If someone hurts my feelings, I sometimes will react in extreme ways as a way to communicate that fact, because I have trouble telling someone directly how I feel.
I’m a people pleaser. I have a hard time being blunt, because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. In my mind, round-about ways of communication are better because it’s less likely to hurt. That’s not usually the case, however. It’s like swallowing poison and hoping for the other person to die. I use that analogy all the time, but it’s still true. I end up hurting myself, and I still haven’t really accomplished the goal of communicating how I feel.
My need to be understood hasn’t and probably won’t change. What can change though is how I react. Through God, I know that someone understands how I feel. And that helps take the edge off so I can be direct with someone.
Today I’m twenty seven years old. In the past I’ve taken off my birthday from Facebook so I wouldn’t get wall spam, but to be honest, I wouldn’t mind the extra attention this time.
Life has had its ups and downs lately, as usual. I’ve been sticking with doing devotionals every day, and I’m starting to see some progress in my life, I think. My work has been more productive, I’ve been generally happier, and I feel more confident in myself. I haven’t reached the hunger I once had for the Word yet, but I suppose that’s inevitable if I keep at it. I haven’t given up.
I’ve been learning. About friendship and love and humility. Back before college, I used to be pretty knowledgeable about the Bible. Sometimes I re-remember things I knew, but really, it’s not like riding a bike. I’ve forgotten a lot of it. But this time around it’s different anyway, because I’m different. Whatever I knew, I try to forget. I don’t want my cynicism to cloud the truth.
I’ve discovered that I tend to like folky/jazzy/electronic solo female vocalists, such as Sylvie Lewis, Dolores O’Riordan, and Sara Watkins. But right now, I’m feeling a little somber. It’s been a month or so since I’ve listened to Kid A; seems like a good time.
