The need to feel understood is extremely strong for me. If I feel that I’ve misrepresented myself, I feel like a complete asshole. It keeps me awake at night.

Sometimes I go back to 9types site and read the type 4 description. I did it tonight. It affects me in a profound way to read all of the things that cut to the heart of my personality. I feel the need to be understood in a very strong way. Reading the description makes me feel okay sometimes, because it reminds me that someone understands what it’s like. There’s a whole type that describes me, so that means I’m okay the way I am. That there’s nothing wrong with being this way.

Some of the most touching moments in my life have been when I truly felt that someone understood me. Knew what I needed most.

Self worth comes from belief in yourself, not from others believing in you. Others might convince you to believe in yourself, though. You can see that others love you, but their love can’t define you. If you hang on their love alone, you will fail. It’s pretty fucking cruel sometimes to be reminded of that.

I was bought with a price. That makes me worth something. It’s hard to choose to believe that. It’s easier to wallow. God help me.

Nearly all of my closest friends I met in college. We were in a similar place in life, we liked the same things, and we were dealing with similar issues. We’ve been out of college for years now, and I can feel the degradation of the bonds that kept us all so close. New bonds have formed which have lessened the need for old bonds. This is true for most of my friends… except me.

I still rely on the old bonds that are slowly getting weaker. I recognize this, so I turn to God. I realize that the support chains that used to hold me up are breaking, and that I need support that won’t break or decay. And yet, it’s not enough. I know it should be, but it isn’t. It just isn’t. I guess my goal should be to try to make it enough.

I’ve been frustrated with my friends lately. Sometimes I feel like I have to coax them into hanging out with me. This is against my nature. I don’t particularly like hosting all the time, but when none of my friends offer to host anything, I feel I have to. Otherwise, I won’t get to hang out with them at all, because they seem happy enough with whatever else they’re doing instead. Their need doesn’t seem to be enough to overcome the inconvenience.

Other times, I feel people invite me to things more out of “duty” than desire. Sometimes I get invited to something that I don’t really want to do, and I realize that I’m passing up a chance to hang out with someone, but I turn it down anyway.

To me, these are all signs of decaying friendship. When common interests turn into not-so-common interests and desire turns into duty, what of friendship? I wonder if I met some of my current friends at this point in my life, would I still be friends with them? To be honest, I doubt it a little.

And so, life continues. Often (at least once a week… usually on the weekends) I feel lonely but can’t justify inviting myself over to someone’s house or apartment. To me, it’s forcing the issue. I realize that there must be some give and take, but lately whenever I try to organize something, people aren’t interested or too lazy to do anything about it.

Here are my choices. I can: a) mope and whine about it and long for a past that will never return, or b) I can stand up and pick up my bed and walk. I have to take care of myself. And sitting around waiting for my friends to invite me to things that I want to do is not how I want to continue to live.

I need to throw away my pride and understand that if I want to hang out with my friends, I will most likely have to initiate it. This means I have to admit weakness to myself. I have to accept the fact that maybe I need to be friends with them more than they need to be friends with me. I have to do what I want in life without the fear of hurting my pride. But at the same time, I don’t want to compromise who I am to do it.

I get incredibly frustrated sometimes at the lack of “justice” in the world. It’s quite hard for me to give up my idea of how people should act, and I judge them accordingly. What I consider to be right and fair and just isn’t necessarily what God thinks is just. It pisses me off. All it does is make me angry and feel shitty. I pray for the ability to let go.

I want people to be punished for their misdeeds. That desire does nothing but make me realize how powerless I am. I hate feeling powerless. I fight my hardest to gain some control over something, even if it’s not even real control. I want lenience, and yet I’m unwilling to give it to others. I want forgiveness, but I’m unwilling to forgive others.

I can’t keep trying to control things when all it does is make me miserable.

This morning I woke up and there was paid programming on TV. A preacher, preaching about this very subject. How about that? Some answers. I am thankful. Peace. Pause. That’s what I need most. Let the peace of Christ rule in my heart. I am encouraged.

“Hope is a dangerous thing. Drive a man insane. It’s got no place here. Better get used to the idea.” — Red

Sometimes I find myself wishing I was completely alone rather than having the hope of being with friends and then being let down by circumstance. It would be easier if I could be angry at someone, but who’s there to be angry at? I feel lonely and angry and I don’t know what to do about it.

Life has taught me that if you can’t self sustain, it’s like being emotionally homeless. You are dependent on the charity of others. I don’t like being dependent on other people. I can’t predict what other people are going to do, or how much they’re going to give. I don’t know how much to rely on them. As much benefit as I’ve gained from having friends, sometimes I feel like I’ve suffered equally much. But even if that’s true, and if I swore off all relationships that were more than acquaintance, I feel like it would be just as hard living life alone.

I came back to God to help me figure out the answer to this problem. God takes the edge off maybe, but there’s no solution in sight. The issue remains. I don’t know what I expected to happen, but whatever it was hasn’t happened. Maybe I expected God to magically take away my pain. Needless to say, he hasn’t. I came to God to try to rely on him so I wouldn’t have to rely on humans that can’t provide me with what I need. God is up in the sky somewhere. Even if he’s everywhere, his corporeal form has been gone for 2,000 years with no sign of coming back any time soon. I can’t hang out with God.

So what happens now? Do I keep holding on to the hope that God will come through? Hope will drive a man insane. And yet, what is the alternative? To give up?

I feel trapped with nothing but the pity of others to provide me solace. Pity is worse than no feeling at all. I’d rather be completely alone than be pitied.