The wedding is over. Moving is over. It’s over. I’m exhausted.

The wedding ceremony went well. The reception, however, sucked out my soul. I can’t decide if I hated this reception more or less than the one in South Carolina last year. I complained a lot during the reception, and I feel bad about it. I’m not very good at hiding my displeasure, so I complained and/or looked downcast almost the whole time, feeling miserable. I think I would have done everyone and myself a favor by leaving right after my responsibilities as an usher were over. I could have had someone call me when Tara and Eric were about to leave the church.

I think when I go to Matt’s wedding, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Honestly, I fucking hate receptions. During a 3 hour reception, the events I care about take a grand total of 10 minutes to happen. Everything else I could do without. I’m glad other people are having a good time, but I don’t want to be there. It’s just not my scene. Unless I’m drunk. Then almost anything is my scene.

After we cleaned up the church, Stuffy and Leah thankfully helped me clean up the last of the trash from the basement. I’m glad they did, because otherwise I would have been there a long time going through things, deciding if I should throw them away or not.

I’m emotionally almost on the edge. These past few days have taken their toll. Tears have welled up at least twice today, and they didn’t have anything to do with Tara and Eric getting married. Moving wasn’t fun. It made me kind of resentful. The wedding was OK up until the reception, which I hated. And I’m kind of ashamed at how I acted around my friends because I was unhappy.

So I’m sorry about that.

At least it’s over now. I live by myself. I have no weddings to go to for another 5 months. Maybe by then I’ll have realized that since I have to be at the damn reception, I might as well try to have a good time.

Time to have some alcohol and be numb for a little while.

The past couple of days have been a bit of a fiasco. Thursday, I went to the basement apartment to pick up more of my stuff, finding a note on the door from the landlord. “It would really help me out A TON” if we could be out by noon on Saturday.

Realizing that we’d have to bust our asses hardcore to make that happen, being a man down and restricted on time, I took a half-day of work today to come work on the basement. I made somewhat of a dent after 3 solid hours of working, but with that came the realization that there was virtually no chance of being done by noon the next day, what with Eric’s wedding going on. So we notified the landlord. I mean, we do have until midnight according to the lease. I don’t really feel that guilty about not doing the landlord any favors.

Also, my knee, which has felt weak now for about a week, chose today to protest even more. It has become uncomfortable to stand for any period of time. It doesn’t hurt exactly, but it’s uncomfortable. That’s kinda bad timing, as I’ve got to usher peeps in a wedding tomorrow, then I have to finish getting stuff out of the basement.

So, I’ve been a bit stressed out lately. (more…)

Burly sent me a link to the AIM SDK today, which I didn’t know existed. It’s a library for writing AIM bots and clients and whatever. So I downloaded it and poked it a bit.

A year or so ago I wrote a little Ruby AIM bot that insults you when you talk to it. I was re-reading some of the source code today, and it made me lawl. Here are some of the comments I found in the code:

• authenticate a bitch
• now we’ve got our shit, connect to the real server, ass
• now sit here forever like a slut
• do shit
• IM some fool
• ack that shit

Thursday I signed the lease on my own apartment, and Stuffy helped me move the big stuff. I had spent my last night at the basement ever. Since then I’ve been setting things up, and now it looks like I live there, kinda. The bathroom is pretty much done. My room is the most bare at the moment, but it’s getting there. On Tuesday, my cable/internet gets turned on.

On the whole I think I’ll like living alone. We’ll see how it plays out. I do enjoy having the run of my own place. I also think that it’ll help me appreciate my friends better.

I’ve been thinking a bit about friendship lately. In college, we all were getting to know each other and ourselves, and everything was interesting. Maybe it’s just that I’m burnt out from the past few months, but I just don’t crave to be around my friends as much lately. Perhaps this is just the next phase in a relationship.

I think this is probably the first time I’ve been friends with the same people for this long. Sure, I grew up with the same people in grade school and then high school, but I was really only good friends with a handful, and only in high school. Now I’ve been close friends with people here for 6 years. I know them so well (or at least I think I do) that there’s not much more learning to be done. Not that it’s a bad thing.

I think most of this has to do with being burnt out.

P.S. My favorite PostSecret this week: Battle.

While in the shower today, I realized something. Over the past few months when I’ve felt all kinds of different intense emotions, including anger, hate, shame, fear, loneliness, envy, and others, I’ve vented a lot to different people. I realized that I’ve always felt like I had to defend my feelings, and everyone has tried to calm me down. I think I had secretly decided that being so emotional is bad.

But it’s not. I wear my heart on my sleeve sometimes, and I get hurt easily, but is that really so bad? I had to remind myself today that I’m okay the way I am. I feel like being so emotional is my greatest strength and weakness at the same time. I had just forgotten about the strength part.

Every so often I go back to the 9 types website and read the description for type 4 and chuckle. “Don’t tell me I’m too sensitive or that I’m overreacting!” That phrase hasn’t always been true for me, but it has been lately.