Lately I’ve been more eager to say what’s on my mind in a social setting. What bothers me is that sometimes I do it at the expense of someone else. It’s kind of new for me, being so socially charged. I think it’s because of living alone. I have more stored up social energy now, because when I go home for the day I don’t have to talk to anyone. So when I hang out with my friends now, I have so much to say that I think I’ve been overpowering others. I’m trying to make an effort to stop.
It happens at work sometimes, too. From the stories I’ve told and the way I talk, I think the biostatisticians think that I’m a slacker and that I don’t respect the people I work for on my projects. I’ve kind of presented the hooligan side of myself to them, and I think I might have subconsciously done that on purpose. Whenever I feel like things are too formal or too “nice”, I feel the need to break out. When things aren’t “real” enough, I try to inject some reality into the situation. And work tends to be a bit too formal for my taste, at least whenever we hang out with some of the statisticians my age.
Who knows.
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“No. Bitchy. Boning.” — Stuffy
Q: “How do you kill a circus?” A: “Go for the juggler.” — Joey
“Take my seed to the surface!” — Viking
The full list is on my wiki.
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Over the past couple of years I’ve had to learn to deal with my friends’ relationships the hard way. It’s taken a lot of beatings and emotional pain for me to start actually learning how to handle it.
Here’s the thing. I’m not actively looking for a girlfriend. If someone came along and it worked out, great. If not, that’s okay, too. So, I rely on my friends maybe more than people who have girlfriends/boyfriends. I have friends that I’ve connected with in a deep way through college. I’ve lived with them for years, and we’ve gone through a lot together.
So when a friend of mine I’ve known for years suddenly starts dating someone and spending all their time with that person, I take that personally. My friend, who I know well and who knows me well, chose someone (whom they might not really even know that well) over me. And that hurts my feelings. And it continues to hurt my feelings.
Well, I’m finally trying to change my way of thinking so I don’t get my feelings hurt so much. I have to, because if I don’t, I will suffer and so will my friendships. And they have suffered. One of which (by far the worst by several orders of magnitude) hasn’t ever recovered.
It’s taken at least three iterations of this for me to understand. Okay, obviously they get something from a girlfriend that they can’t get from their guy friends. Granted. If it wasn’t that way I would worry. So I finally understand that it’s not personal on their part. I take things too personally. Maybe it’s hard for me to comprehend because I’m just not really that interested in having a girlfriend right now.
Now that I understand, I don’t think my feelings will get hurt as much. But it still hurts sometimes. Last night I had the beginnings of a mini-anxiety attack about it until I controlled myself and made myself understand that it wasn’t personal. I don’t think my subconscious believes me yet.
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