I’m a people pleaser. I don’t like disappointing people, which is why I’m kind of noncommittal sometimes. When someone asks me if I want to do something that I probably don’t want to do, I say ‘maybe’. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m starting to get to the point where I’m getting tired of not giving straight answers, but the look of disappointment in someone’s eyes stabs me.

Being a pleaser also makes me do things I would otherwise choose to not do. On a scale from 1 to 10 on how much I want to do something, I will do a 3 or 4 for someone so as to not disappoint them.

At work it drives me to get things done. I had a meeting yesterday where I had to tell someone how long I thought it would take to complete their project. I told them two to three months, and the look they gave me sucked. Granted, it’s not going to take that long, but pleasing them makes me want to get it done that much faster.

I don’t know if it’s a spiritual thing or a personality thing, but sometimes it’s annoying. I sometimes admire people who just don’t give a shit, because sometimes I really wish I didn’t care about people.

One thing I’ve learned about mental health over the years is that it’s important to be proactive. Figure out what your subconscious needs and act on it. It’s way better than not doing anything. Basically the reason I try to be proactive is because the alternative really, really sucks. Anxiety, shortness of breath, muscle cramps, bad news all around.

Lately it has started to get bad. My anxiety isn’t really bad yet, but it’s getting there. On the way to work today I decided that I needed to do something about it, and that decision alone made me feel a little better.

The story for what’s going on with me right now goes back a few years, maybe even longer than that. Over the past few years since I graduated from college, one by one my closest friends have “let me down”. Maybe they were a little insensitive to my feelings, or maybe there wasn’t quite enough communication. It’s been a cycle. I rely too heavily on one of my friends, and then they pull away from me a little bit to pursue a girlfriend or a job, and my equilibrium gets fucked up.

I blamed lots of things. I blamed them for abandoning me. I blamed their girlfriends for taking my friends away from me. I blamed myself for relying on them too much. But in the end, blaming people doesn’t solve anything. The real reasons why I felt hurt or betrayed or abandoned or whatever is because I counted on them for things that humans just can’t possible provide me enough of: security and self-esteem.

People fail. That’s just how we are. We fail. Friends fail. Parents fail. Children fail. Everyone fails sometimes. So if everyone fails, who can I rely on? The only logical answer left to me, is God. I’ve maybe been to a church service once or twice in the last 6 or 7 years, and I’ve been generally happier as a result of not going. But I think it’s time to give it a shot again, because I don’t really know what else to do.

A month ago Mitch was talking about just this topic, and it stirred a little something in my spirit. I don’t really know what’s going to happen, but I’m tired of being anxious. I still don’t like a lot of things about church, like the legalism and the political and emotional bullshit, but I’m going to try to go to a few different churches and see what happens. The first step I made to get help when I was depressed after high school was really hard, too, but eventually it changed my life for the better.

I’ve felt this coming on for a long time, and I knew it would happen eventually. I knew I would go back to God eventually when all of my pain from high school maybe started to scar over. When I had maybe unlearned some of the poison that was put into me by legalism. And maybe this is the time for it to happen. I’m a little bit wary, but I’m also a little bit excited to be free from this.

~

In other news, I discovered the band Justice the other day when I was listening to Marketplace on NPR. I dig them. Kudos to NPR for playing kick-ass music. Funnily enough, Justice is from France, and so is Daft Punk, and so is AIR. Why are so many bands I like coming from France?!

Saturday I watched Angels in the Outfield. It may seem a bit silly, but there’s a quote in there that made me think. “Don’t grow up thinking that everyone you care about will eventually let you down.”

It’s hard not to be pessimistic sometimes.

Been a bit anxious lately. I hung out with people this weekend for the first time in a week, more or less. It felt weird.

Lately I’ve kept all of my friends at a safe distance. It makes it harder for me to get hurt. But I haven’t been this consistently unhappy in a while.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have any feelings.

I never got into 4chan, but today someone in IRC linked a post from /prog/ which was pretty funny. I started reading more, and I think I’m now a fan.

Sometimes I go back and re-read a post I made and realize that I’m not a good enough writer to put into words how I’m feeling. I can’t express in writing how sad I am sometimes, or how happy, or what I’m thinking about. It’s frustrating. It always seems so much more emotional to me when I’m writing it than when I go back and read it.