One thing I’ve learned about mental health over the years is that it’s important to be proactive. Figure out what your subconscious needs and act on it. It’s way better than not doing anything. Basically the reason I try to be proactive is because the alternative really, really sucks. Anxiety, shortness of breath, muscle cramps, bad news all around.

Lately it has started to get bad. My anxiety isn’t really bad yet, but it’s getting there. On the way to work today I decided that I needed to do something about it, and that decision alone made me feel a little better.

The story for what’s going on with me right now goes back a few years, maybe even longer than that. Over the past few years since I graduated from college, one by one my closest friends have “let me down”. Maybe they were a little insensitive to my feelings, or maybe there wasn’t quite enough communication. It’s been a cycle. I rely too heavily on one of my friends, and then they pull away from me a little bit to pursue a girlfriend or a job, and my equilibrium gets fucked up.

I blamed lots of things. I blamed them for abandoning me. I blamed their girlfriends for taking my friends away from me. I blamed myself for relying on them too much. But in the end, blaming people doesn’t solve anything. The real reasons why I felt hurt or betrayed or abandoned or whatever is because I counted on them for things that humans just can’t possible provide me enough of: security and self-esteem.

People fail. That’s just how we are. We fail. Friends fail. Parents fail. Children fail. Everyone fails sometimes. So if everyone fails, who can I rely on? The only logical answer left to me, is God. I’ve maybe been to a church service once or twice in the last 6 or 7 years, and I’ve been generally happier as a result of not going. But I think it’s time to give it a shot again, because I don’t really know what else to do.

A month ago Mitch was talking about just this topic, and it stirred a little something in my spirit. I don’t really know what’s going to happen, but I’m tired of being anxious. I still don’t like a lot of things about church, like the legalism and the political and emotional bullshit, but I’m going to try to go to a few different churches and see what happens. The first step I made to get help when I was depressed after high school was really hard, too, but eventually it changed my life for the better.

I’ve felt this coming on for a long time, and I knew it would happen eventually. I knew I would go back to God eventually when all of my pain from high school maybe started to scar over. When I had maybe unlearned some of the poison that was put into me by legalism. And maybe this is the time for it to happen. I’m a little bit wary, but I’m also a little bit excited to be free from this.

~

In other news, I discovered the band Justice the other day when I was listening to Marketplace on NPR. I dig them. Kudos to NPR for playing kick-ass music. Funnily enough, Justice is from France, and so is Daft Punk, and so is AIR. Why are so many bands I like coming from France?!