I sometimes feel the need to punish people that do things that I consider wrong. Since I’m usually so non-confrontational, the way I ‘punish’ someone is through subtle and non-aggressive ways. I tend to want to hurt people emotionally, because I feel emotionally hurt by them. In the end, I’m usually the one getting hurt more than they are.

So I decided to try to understand why I do this. I want to punish people because I feel like if I don’t, then they won’t be punished at all. I feel a strong need for things to be fair. I think the reason I’m this way is because I need to be in control. I need to feel like all this pain I feel has a reason, and when I don’t see that reason, I try to make things happen myself. I can’t just accept that when someone wrongs me, I should just forgive them and move on. But, it’s getting to the point where not forgiving someone is way more painful than just getting over it.

I already knew that. Time and time again this has happened to me, but I still don’t learn my lesson. It all goes back to how I was in high school, if not sooner. I let people walk all over me. I suppressed my own desires so much because I thought that’s what humility was. I thought that’s what good Christians boys were supposed to do. In the end, my spirit was severely damaged.

Ever since then I’ve tried to reconcile with myself, but remnants of that pain remain.

Usually this comes out of me during simple things. Like when I’m driving and people in front of me don’t signal when they’re turning. I feel the need to follow the rules, so why don’t they? I feel cheated. So I get angry. Afterward I feel dirty for getting so upset about something so small.

Sometimes people break rules that I’ve imposed on myself. It feels unfair for them to get away with something that I feel so strongly about not doing. So I get angry.

When it comes to my relationships with people I consider myself close to, it’s a different issue entirely. I internalize the issues I have with them, because I put them on a pedestal. They’re my friends. I care about them. When something happens between us, the first thing I think about is, “What did I do wrong?” I try to solve problems on my own through logic, because I’m too scared to say anything to them about it. By the time I actually say something to someone, I’m already on the emotional edge. It’s extremely hard for me to just go up to someone and tell them how I feel about something personal.

I think at the bottom of all this is fear. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of being excluded. Low self-esteem. If one loves himself or herself, they can then love others.

I feel strongly that if I search hard and long enough, I will find the base of the problem. If I get to a dead end, I backtrack and keep going. That’s how I try to live. Sometimes the dead ends are on the 500th floor of a condemned building.

So the cycle continues. Balancing self-esteem. Too low, and bad things happen. Too high, and bad things happen. All of this reminds me of what Mitch told me last year at Sir Pizza, about letting God do the balancing for you. Maybe eventually I’ll grow too weary to keep playing this game. But as long as I feel like I can do it myself, I will. I’m pretty sure I’m kidding myself by thinking that.