A couple of weeks ago I decided that if the weather turned cold again, I would go skiing. I was tired of trying to coordinate a ski trip, since everyone is either really busy all the time or not really interested, so I made up my mind to go regardless of if anyone else was going or not. Last week it turned cold again, so I announced that I was going skiing, and anyone who wanted to go, could.
It turns out that one of the first people I told was Matt, who really wanted to go, too. Matt asked his brother-in-law and sister if we could stay with them, and they agreed. They helped us out a lot.
So right after Joey’s recital on Saturday afternoon, we left for Dave’s and Ginger’s place in Virginia. We got there a bit after midnight, slept, and got up early on Sunday to drive to the ski resort. We were gonna go to Wintergreen, but it turned out that Winterplace in West Virginia was a little closer, a little cheaper, and the forecast was a little better. So we went there instead.
It was awesome. It snowed all day long. Towards the end, it snowed harder than I have ever seen in my life. It was a great experience.
We left this morning and got back in time to go to the Saucer. Matt opted to stay home, so I went without him. Throughout the course of the evening, a couple of things happened that made me feel a little disconnected from people. I went home and felt even more disconnected when I started thinking about things. Then I started feeling anxious. I just got home from a great trip where I finally got to unwind a bit, and already I’m feeling anxious.
It struck me how emotionally fragile I really am right now. I feel like a stiff breeze would do me in. Ever since a month ago, I’ve been like this. Something happened that knocked me off balance, and I’ve been unable to gain my feet. Teetering and tottering on the edge of a breakdown. Tonight I caught myself thinking about how much easier life would be if I just withdrew and shrunk the number of friendships I have so I can somehow manage them better. I feel like I’m spreading myself too thin. My self-esteem depends too much on other people. I need them, but sometimes I hate that need. I try to rationalize away things they do to me, however minor they may be, so that I can keep holding on.
Withdrawing from everyone sounds like a really good idea to me right now. Yet, I feel like that won’t really solve anything at all. That doesn’t make me not want to do it, though.
People hurt other people. It’s just the way life is. Maybe the key to having healthy friendships is having somewhat of a reservoir of self-esteem so that when they hurt you, which is inevitable, you can fall back on your little reservoir and be okay. My reservoir is sort of depleted. My defense against being rejected is weak, and I don’t really have much trust left to go around in order to be vulnerable to people. I’m rationing what trust I currently have to the people I feel most comfortable with.
Sometimes it just helps to write everything out so that you can maybe see a glimpse of what you think is the answer.
