Tonight was our third game of this year’s season. It’s hard to believe that this is the fourth season we’ve been playing. Some people from work came out this time that had never played before, and it was good to be able to bond with them somewhat in a way that I’ve never had the opportunity to do before.
After the game, I started realizing something about my role in life. I’m a facilitator. I’ve always felt the need to make sure everyone is having fun and feeling comfortable. I enjoy encouraging people. I’m a people pleaser. This comes out the most during an ultimate frisbee game, since I feel somewhat responsible for everyone, being the co-captain of the team. I believe I’m starting to get an inkling of what role God wants me to play; what I was designed to do. It’s a nice feeling. It means that there’s a reason for the way I am after all, which I guess I always knew but had a hard time understanding.
I’ve heard that guys connect to people by doing things together, while girls connect by talking. I don’t know how universally true that is or whatever, but I definitely bond over shared events and outings. Maybe that’s why I’m so devoted to showing up whenever there’s a planned gathering. In fact, I sometimes see others’ lack of enthusiasm to hang out as a lack of friendship. Part of it also is that I don’t want to be left out, since I feel like I avoided people for so long. I still do sometimes, of course. We’re all complicated people.
It was a good game tonight, and good exercise. Now it’s time to relax and watch tonight’s new episode of House.
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A couple of weeks ago, things came to a head in my life. I had to choose to either separate myself from people or turn to God. Maybe there were other choices that I didn’t consider, but at the time there didn’t seem to be any other choice for me. I chose the only thing that made sense.
So the past couple of weeks I’ve set aside some devotional time each day. At first it was pretty hard. It still is hard, but it’s getting a little easier. It’s starting to change me. After merely a week, when I skipped a day, I felt less secure in myself.
It’s still hard for me to talk to God sometimes. There was a long time when I didn’t.
Yesterday I started having significant anxiety for the first time since I started talking to God consistently again. It was pretty much another bout of the same anxiety I’ve been feeling over the past few months, and it wasn’t any easier. I guess I can’t expect much after just two weeks.
My personality is such that I would rather someone depend on me than having to depend on someone else. I’ve always disliked asking people for help, but I’ve gotten increasingly worse lately. Now that I have God to rely on, maybe I can start opening up. Trusting is hard. After so many hurts. But I feel like this is the only way to recovery.
This time around I’m in it for the long haul. I don’t want to give up, because I know what the alternative is. It’s going to be hard and take a long time, probably my whole life. Back in high school, I used to think being a Christian was easy. Now I know better.
I still despise American Christian culture. I hate it. I don’t ever want to be like that ever again.
Now I’ve gotta make myself work on this .NET application.
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