Whenever I feel despair, God takes the edge off. Tonight I needed comfort, and I got some. I don’t feel whole, but it was enough to help me. Precious bit of rope to help me pull myself up, at least some of the way.

I don’t know why many of my friends have found their soulmates and I haven’t. God knows. He’s not telling. Being around them is a constant reminder that I’m single. My single friends are precious few, and they have lives of their own.

It used to not bother me. But, it’s hard for me to deny that it makes me feel defective. What’s wrong with me? The answer I have to tell myself is, “Nothing.” Any other answer is pointless. Suck it up, keep moving. One foot in front of the next. The sun always rises after the sunset. Twist me this way and that. I can take it. I have to take it. I have no other choice.

And when I can’t take it anymore, when I feel despair, God gives me a little pick-me-up. A little comfort so I can take some more punishment. All for some goal in the future that I don’t know anything about. I persist because that’s all there is to do. It’s the only healthy thing to do.

Heh. Healthy. What the fuck does that word mean.

God loves me. I know that. I love God, or, at least I try to. I want to. I pray for the desire to do good instead of evil.

I receive an enormous amount of support from my friends. Without them, I don’t know where I would be. They may not know how much they help me. I thank God for them every single day.

I hope that I can one day be like Job. Job is one of my spiritual heroes. He got completely destroyed, and yet his faith astounds me. He lost everything but his soul, and yet he praised God anyway. I fear that that could happen to me. I rely too heavily on some things. I’m terrified that one day it will all be gone. Paul said he counted all things as loss compared to the knowledge of Christ. Can I be like that someday? I don’t know.

Sleep time.