The past week or so has been hard on me. I caused a bike accident that resulted in my blown tire and bent wheel after only 15 minutes of riding. It had taken me over 30 minutes to get to the bike trail. Also, my wireless router broke, and the replacement I bought didn’t really work. I was worried about the latest batch of homebrew, that it had been a waste. On top of that, the stress of buying a home hung over my head.

Because of these things, I couldn’t cope with normal everyday stresses. It piled up.

Today there was a departmental party to celebrate the 50th year of service by one of our faculty members. My social stamina was already depleted, and I was feeling very anxious. I was shorter with people that I meant to be.

I’m feeling better today after hanging out with the Stufflebams and returning the gimp router for a new one. But man, anxiety had a strong hold on me. It’s still not going that well. It hasn’t been this bad for this long in a while, which is something to be proud of, I guess. But man, give me a fuckin’ break.

I question God at times like these. I find myself recounting all the bad stuff hanging over my head. It’s hard to count your blessings when you feel terrible. Then I think about Job, in the bible. Job is my hero. He lost everything he had, and still was loyal to God. I have only been going through small struggles in comparison, and my faith wavers. My greatest fear is being abandoned. Left alone. Like Job was.

I’ve learned that questioning one’s faith is important. If you question your faith and can’t find an answer, what do you really believe in? Ask why. Sometimes I forget to ask why.

I feel like I’m forever in a cycle of learning through painful experience. Life (or God) pushes me as far as I can take, sometimes farther. It’s scientific. I believe something, then I get broken, so I have to readjust my belief. I believe that thing until I have reason to change. Or maybe my faith waxes and wanes, each time maybe getting a little stronger.

I am wired to want to belong. It’s such a profoundly strong feeling, and yet I have desire of seclusion, too. I grow tired of fighting. Fighting God knows what. Myself, Life, God, who the fuck knows. But I feel like I’m always fighting something. I don’t really know what it is sometimes. And when that happens, I get anxiety. Sometimes intense anxiety. Pain, frustration. Helplessness.

It’s a shitty existence. I just want to belong. To feel like I belong. To something tangible. As much as I love my friends and they love me, I still feel it sometimes. It’s really difficult.

It’s turning cold outside. I like the cold. Something about it appeals to me. It’s the same with rain and snow. Something sad in them touches me. Makes me feel understood.