“Hope is a dangerous thing. Drive a man insane. It’s got no place here. Better get used to the idea.” — Red

Sometimes I find myself wishing I was completely alone rather than having the hope of being with friends and then being let down by circumstance. It would be easier if I could be angry at someone, but who’s there to be angry at? I feel lonely and angry and I don’t know what to do about it.

Life has taught me that if you can’t self sustain, it’s like being emotionally homeless. You are dependent on the charity of others. I don’t like being dependent on other people. I can’t predict what other people are going to do, or how much they’re going to give. I don’t know how much to rely on them. As much benefit as I’ve gained from having friends, sometimes I feel like I’ve suffered equally much. But even if that’s true, and if I swore off all relationships that were more than acquaintance, I feel like it would be just as hard living life alone.

I came back to God to help me figure out the answer to this problem. God takes the edge off maybe, but there’s no solution in sight. The issue remains. I don’t know what I expected to happen, but whatever it was hasn’t happened. Maybe I expected God to magically take away my pain. Needless to say, he hasn’t. I came to God to try to rely on him so I wouldn’t have to rely on humans that can’t provide me with what I need. God is up in the sky somewhere. Even if he’s everywhere, his corporeal form has been gone for 2,000 years with no sign of coming back any time soon. I can’t hang out with God.

So what happens now? Do I keep holding on to the hope that God will come through? Hope will drive a man insane. And yet, what is the alternative? To give up?

I feel trapped with nothing but the pity of others to provide me solace. Pity is worse than no feeling at all. I’d rather be completely alone than be pitied.