Tonight’s ultimate games were hard. We only had 6 guys show up, and since the first team we played against only had 2 girls, they agreed to require only 1 or 2 girls on the field instead of 2 or 3. Hence, the 6 guys were almost always all out on the field. The second game we had one free guy sub, which helped a little. Anyway, I tired out pretty quickly and I had a hard time defending people. During the second game, I got stuck guarding the guy who took off into the end zone for what seemed like every fucking time. I really beat myself up. At least 3 or 4 times I was guarding the guy who broke for the end zone to score, leaving me in the dust. I felt really shitty. I was on the verge of tears as I walked off the field, trying not to meet anyone’s eye. I felt like I let the team down many times.
After some time passed I got over it some, but still it’s just hard for me sometimes. When I don’t know someone sometimes, I feel a strong urge to prove my worth to them. When I feel like I fail, I hurt.
The hardest part about being someone like me is picking yourself up when you’re down. When I’m down, most if not all of the time it’s a self-esteem issue, and the only person that can build your self-esteem back up is you. People can complement you all fucking day long, but it won’t matter if you don’t start to believe them. And when there’s no one to complement you, what then? The hardest part about it is trying to convince yourself that you’re worth a damn. And that, my friends, can be really hard sometimes.
I feel a lot better now that I had a chat with a WoW guildie. I signed on tonight only to tell my online buddies that I’m leaving for a long time if not for good. I’ve talked to this guy in particular on occasion about serious things, and this time we talked about how hard it is sometimes when you feel like you’re alone. Feeling alone, like there’s no one close to you that feels the way you do or likes the things you like, is one of the hardest things to deal with. It makes you think that you’re defective, since no one else seems to like what you like. He’s in this sort of phase now, having little contact with people with common interests other than through WoW.
<soapbox>
Some of you might think that things like this is pathetic, but people go through this shit all the time. It’s not fair at all to look down on someone in this position, because if you do, it’s people like you that helped put them there. Ultimately a depressed person is responsible for getting him or herself out of it, but I think that at least some of the responsibility of that person’s depression belongs to people who put others down.
No one’s perfect though, and shit happens in life. It’s just the way it is. Life sucks a big fat wang sometimes, but to keep living you just have to keep going.
</soapbox>
It’s not obvious that I get pissed off at insensitive people sometimes, is it? I guess we’re all to blame at one time or another.
Sometimes I get pissed off at no one in particular and go off on rants. It’s just how I am. I guess it’s just my way of coping so I don’t turn all the feelings I have into self-hatred. I’m done now.
