This morning was probably the worst of it, as I got to thinking about relationships. In the past year I’ve seen several of my close friends find love, and sometimes it bums me out. I sometimes think, “When is my turn?” I try to remember that I’ve been blessed by great friendships, yet I find myself feeling left out. In the past few weeks, though, I feel like God has been opening doors for me. I’ve been more confident in myself because I feel secure knowing that God has my back. I’ve had some great conversations with people that I don’t think would have previously been possible.

Even so, this reintroduction into religion has been a struggle. The key for me has been to be myself as much as I can. In high school, I tried to force away any doubt I had as forcefully as possible, and the result was depression. I’m trying my best to listen to myself and address any questions that come up. I try to take others’ opinions about God with grains of salt, to make up my own mind, and to be receptive to the Spirit. I think this is the healthy way to go about it. I want to hang on to who I am, but be willing to change.

In any event, I feel my life changing for the better more and more each day.

Anyway, I guess I hadn’t thought about the fact that I wasn’t drained until Burly asked. I feel like it’s a big step for me. Ever since I started spending time with God again, things have been getting better and better for me. I’ve been able to be myself around more people without feeling drained. I think part of that just comes from life experience and being put into these situations more and more, but a big part of it comes from the support I get from God.

In the past I’ve used the analogy of treading water to describe what it’s like to stay ahead of depression. Sometimes you have to use all your limbs and strength to keep from going under. There’s no land in sight, with only the occasional driftwood to hold on to. With God, I feel more like I have something to stand on, so I have more energy to do other things. I don’t like stupid God analogies like you see on church billboards, but this one is actually true for me.

I’m still trying to figure out how I’m supposed to live, and what God’s place is for me. I doubt that I’ll ever really nail it down, but I’m trying I guess. Maybe that’s all that matters.

I’m a people pleaser. I have a hard time being blunt, because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. In my mind, round-about ways of communication are better because it’s less likely to hurt. That’s not usually the case, however. It’s like swallowing poison and hoping for the other person to die. I use that analogy all the time, but it’s still true. I end up hurting myself, and I still haven’t really accomplished the goal of communicating how I feel.

My need to be understood hasn’t and probably won’t change. What can change though is how I react. Through God, I know that someone understands how I feel. And that helps take the edge off so I can be direct with someone.

Life has had its ups and downs lately, as usual. I’ve been sticking with doing devotionals every day, and I’m starting to see some progress in my life, I think. My work has been more productive, I’ve been generally happier, and I feel more confident in myself. I haven’t reached the hunger I once had for the Word yet, but I suppose that’s inevitable if I keep at it. I haven’t given up.

I’ve been learning. About friendship and love and humility. Back before college, I used to be pretty knowledgeable about the Bible. Sometimes I re-remember things I knew, but really, it’s not like riding a bike. I’ve forgotten a lot of it. But this time around it’s different anyway, because I’m different. Whatever I knew, I try to forget. I don’t want my cynicism to cloud the truth.

I’ve discovered that I tend to like folky/jazzy/electronic solo female vocalists, such as Sylvie Lewis, Dolores O’Riordan, and Sara Watkins. But right now, I’m feeling a little somber. It’s been a month or so since I’ve listened to Kid A; seems like a good time.

So the past couple of weeks I’ve set aside some devotional time each day. At first it was pretty hard. It still is hard, but it’s getting a little easier. It’s starting to change me. After merely a week, when I skipped a day, I felt less secure in myself.

It’s still hard for me to talk to God sometimes. There was a long time when I didn’t.

Yesterday I started having significant anxiety for the first time since I started talking to God consistently again. It was pretty much another bout of the same anxiety I’ve been feeling over the past few months, and it wasn’t any easier. I guess I can’t expect much after just two weeks.

My personality is such that I would rather someone depend on me than having to depend on someone else. I’ve always disliked asking people for help, but I’ve gotten increasingly worse lately. Now that I have God to rely on, maybe I can start opening up. Trusting is hard. After so many hurts. But I feel like this is the only way to recovery.

This time around I’m in it for the long haul. I don’t want to give up, because I know what the alternative is. It’s going to be hard and take a long time, probably my whole life. Back in high school, I used to think being a Christian was easy. Now I know better.

I still despise American Christian culture. I hate it. I don’t ever want to be like that ever again.

Now I’ve gotta make myself work on this .NET application.

The thing that blows me away about marriage is the whole “freely giving” thing. Freely giving yourself to someone else. I have a history of doing this and getting my heart broken. I think most of the time, people have done it without knowing it and not on purpose.

The first time I remember really being hurt was by my youth pastor. I looked up to him probably more than anyone in my life at the time, and then one day, he told us he was leaving. Just like that. Leaving. It broke my heart.

Then there was the debacle of my relationship with Emily. Due to poor timing and very poor communication and misunderstandings, it left me in shambles.

More recently it has happened with my friends. I’ve written all about this many times. I think this weekend I realized how much I’ve hardened my heart to protect myself.

On the trip back I was thinking about this topic, and it made me uncomfortably anxious. I found myself feeling bitter and angry. Why does it seem sometimes that all of my friends have someone to rely on, while whenever I’ve relied on someone, my heart ends up being broken?

It would be selfish and naive to the point of stupidity to say that I’m the only one in my group of friends who has dealt with these feelings of abandonment and loneliness. But I just wonder when my time will be to find someone, you know? When I’m with Matt’s family, I see such a willingness to love and welcome people, and it unfreezes me a little bit. When I have to leave them, my feelings callous over again.

I watch Matt’s niece, Ivy, running around. She runs up to everyone. She’s so happy all the time and is never cautious about “talking” to someone new. Sometimes I wish I could be like that again.

Once after high school, I went to a pentecostal church that some people I know went to. This was during the period when I was pretty severely depressed. I generally dislike pentecostal services because there is so much show. It feels so fake. But, at this service, something special happened. There was an altar call, and I went up. I was bawling. Someone came up to me and said something like, “God knows that you are suffering. All you have to do is ask, and He’ll help you.” It was one of those rare times in my life that I felt like God directly spoke to me. So I prayed.

“God, I really need a friend.”

I’ve always felt the intense need to love and be loved. To connect with someone. I know it’s unfair of me to say things like, “I felt abandoned”, because I know there are people that love and care about me. But sometimes, I feel so intensely lonely.

Maybe God wired me this way so that I would someday have a close relationship with him, since it seems apparent to me that sometimes, no one will be there for me to provide what I need except for God. In fact, I did used to be close with God back in high school. But that relationship was poisoned with legalism.

Incidentally, God did give me that friend I asked for.

It’s easy to think that way when I discard everything that’s happening around me. The things that are important to me. Like friendship. When I feel disconnected from my friends, I start looking for things to believe in. Like God.

And now I’m back to this familiar monologue. The thing that terrifies me the most is what God will do with me if I pledge my life to him. Where will he take me? It could be anywhere. It could be away from my friends, from my comfort. And of course, that’s supposed to be the goal, isn’t it? To let God lead. And yet, I wouldn’t be in control of my life. That’s what I fear.

It used to be that I feared letting go of the false structure of legalism. Now I’m afraid of letting go of whatever structure I have now.

What is my real fear? Being cut off. Being left alone. The very same characteristics that are generally supposed to make type-four’s seek religion. Why? Because it’s unsound to look for humans for approval all the time. People are just as fallible as I am. God is an inexhaustible supply of love. So if I don’t choose God, what can I choose? Myself. My friends. I can try my best to tell myself that I don’t need approval from other people. Most of the time I think it works. But do I ever really succeed? No. I don’t even know if that’s possible. If it was, and I somehow succeeded, why would I feel a need to have friends at all? The truth is, I need my friends, and I’d like to think that my friends need me. But even then it’s not enough sometimes.

Things to think about. I think too much. I worry too much. I spend too much time inside my own head.

BTW, King of Kong is a great documentary.

I went to church last week for the first time in years. It was a small gathering at a middle school in Louisville. The band opened with a series of praise songs, all but one of which I’ve sung so many times in high school. I laughed to myself about that. Some things never change.

The message was about thanksgiving of course, but it was also about guarding your thoughts. Throughout the sermon, I kept thinking, “This is impossible.” Doing all the things the bible says to do is impossible. That’s one thing I never really understood. I really tried my best to be perfect in the past, and it tore me apart. I talked to Brian about this afterwards, and he said that the best we can do is try to keep the bible in mind, and over time we’ll get closer to doing what it says to do. I guess I knew that, but it’s something I never truly understood in high school.

It seems to me that the key to a successful Christian life is underlying motivation. Why should I follow the bible? Why should I try so hard to do all these things that are impossible to do perfectly? I asked myself that, and I’m not sure. Part of it is that it makes me feel clean. I know what the answer to those questions is supposed to be: “Because I love God and I want to serve him” and all that. And that’s true I guess. I feel like God hasn’t ever let me down in these past few years when I really needed help. But I don’t really know how I feel about it right now.

Do I doubt my salvation? Not really, no. I don’t feel like that I never really truly believed, because I think I did. The issue now is trying to find a faith that I can get behind and really believe. Whatever faith I had before wasn’t really my faith. At least not completely.

I haven’t really been to church in years. I strongly dislike what American church is, and in the past few years I’ve kept my distance from God. Church doesn’t make me want to be closer to God. What makes me think about God, though, more than almost anything else, is stories from people I revere and respect.

Aaron, Matt’s brother-in-law, shared a story at the wedding rehearsal that touched me. He, his wife Betsy (Matt’s sister), Ginger (bride), and Dave (groom) have all been close friends for a few years now. Aaron talked about how their friendship was put in jeopardy. I don’t know the details, but I guess it had something to do with Ginger’s and Dave’s relationship. He said that was the darkest time in his life, and when everything was in question, God was there for them. That kind of thing makes me take notice. It reminds me of the things I liked about being friends with God back in the day.

I went up to Aaron after his toast and told him that I’ve gone through struggles with my best friends because of relationships.

I know that there’s reason to be close to God. I know that because of my friends and family. But my friends’ and family’s faith isn’t my faith, and until I figure it out on my own, there can be no full reconciliation. I know that God has helped me since I came to Nashville. I feel like I’m being led into the right direction. But the time isn’t now.

The wedding burnt me out. At the end of the reception I was spent. Being in a social situation with people I didn’t know plus the constant crappy praise music that I loathe constantly playing during clean up made me want to get away as soon as possible. Other than that, the trip was fun. I can appreciate praise music, but not shitty cookie-cutter crap. The part I liked the most about the trip is hanging out with everyone.

All in all, my week off was pretty good. I almost feel ready to go back to work tomorrow.

I did find out that I won’t be able to house-sit for Ballz’ folks, since the guest house doesn’t have a shower. But Matt has offered to let me stay at his place for a couple of months, so it all worked out in the end. I’m happy.

I don’t ask God for much, but recently every time I have asked for something, he’s come through for me in a really big way.