I had a long time to myself on the way back from Arkansas to think.
The thing that blows me away about marriage is the whole “freely giving” thing. Freely giving yourself to someone else. I have a history of doing this and getting my heart broken. I think most of the time, people have done it without knowing it and not on purpose.
The first time I remember really being hurt was by my youth pastor. I looked up to him probably more than anyone in my life at the time, and then one day, he told us he was leaving. Just like that. Leaving. It broke my heart.
Then there was the debacle of my relationship with Emily. Due to poor timing and very poor communication and misunderstandings, it left me in shambles.
More recently it has happened with my friends. I’ve written all about this many times. I think this weekend I realized how much I’ve hardened my heart to protect myself. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in God, marriage, relationships |
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When I get like this I think about my reason for being. Why am I here? What’s my purpose? I have a job. Eventually I’ll get a house. And then what? Get married? And so on…
It’s easy to think that way when I discard everything that’s happening around me. The things that are important to me. Like friendship. When I feel disconnected from my friends, I start looking for things to believe in. Like God.
And now I’m back to this familiar monologue. The thing that terrifies me the most is what God will do with me if I pledge my life to him. Where will he take me? It could be anywhere. It could be away from my friends, from my comfort. And of course, that’s supposed to be the goal, isn’t it? To let God lead. And yet, I wouldn’t be in control of my life. That’s what I fear.
It used to be that I feared letting go of the false structure of legalism. Now I’m afraid of letting go of whatever structure I have now.
What is my real fear? Being cut off. Being left alone. The very same characteristics that are generally supposed to make type-four’s seek religion. Why? Because it’s unsound to look for humans for approval all the time. People are just as fallible as I am. God is an inexhaustible supply of love. So if I don’t choose God, what can I choose? Myself. My friends. I can try my best to tell myself that I don’t need approval from other people. Most of the time I think it works. But do I ever really succeed? No. I don’t even know if that’s possible. If it was, and I somehow succeeded, why would I feel a need to have friends at all? The truth is, I need my friends, and I’d like to think that my friends need me. But even then it’s not enough sometimes.
Things to think about. I think too much. I worry too much. I spend too much time inside my own head.
BTW, King of Kong is a great documentary.
Posted in God, introspect |
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I’m at work today, but feeling blah. I caught something when I went to visit Brian last weekend.
I went to church last week for the first time in years. It was a small gathering at a middle school in Louisville. The band opened with a series of praise songs, all but one of which I’ve sung so many times in high school. I laughed to myself about that. Some things never change.
The message was about thanksgiving of course, but it was also about guarding your thoughts. Throughout the sermon, I kept thinking, “This is impossible.” Doing all the things the bible says to do is impossible. That’s one thing I never really understood. I really tried my best to be perfect in the past, and it tore me apart. I talked to Brian about this afterwards, and he said that the best we can do is try to keep the bible in mind, and over time we’ll get closer to doing what it says to do. I guess I knew that, but it’s something I never truly understood in high school.
It seems to me that the key to a successful Christian life is underlying motivation. Why should I follow the bible? Why should I try so hard to do all these things that are impossible to do perfectly? I asked myself that, and I’m not sure. Part of it is that it makes me feel clean. I know what the answer to those questions is supposed to be: “Because I love God and I want to serve him” and all that. And that’s true I guess. I feel like God hasn’t ever let me down in these past few years when I really needed help. But I don’t really know how I feel about it right now.
Do I doubt my salvation? Not really, no. I don’t feel like that I never really truly believed, because I think I did. The issue now is trying to find a faith that I can get behind and really believe. Whatever faith I had before wasn’t really my faith. At least not completely.
Posted in God, sick |
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I got back from SC a few hours ago. It was a good time. The Singleton family is a blessing to me.
I haven’t really been to church in years. I strongly dislike what American church is, and in the past few years I’ve kept my distance from God. Church doesn’t make me want to be closer to God. What makes me think about God, though, more than almost anything else, is stories from people I revere and respect.
Aaron, Matt’s brother-in-law, shared a story at the wedding rehearsal that touched me. He, his wife Betsy (Matt’s sister), Ginger (bride), and Dave (groom) have all been close friends for a few years now. Aaron talked about how their friendship was put in jeopardy. I don’t know the details, but I guess it had something to do with Ginger’s and Dave’s relationship. He said that was the darkest time in his life, and when everything was in question, God was there for them. That kind of thing makes me take notice. It reminds me of the things I liked about being friends with God back in the day.
I went up to Aaron after his toast and told him that I’ve gone through struggles with my best friends because of relationships.
I know that there’s reason to be close to God. I know that because of my friends and family. But my friends’ and family’s faith isn’t my faith, and until I figure it out on my own, there can be no full reconciliation. I know that God has helped me since I came to Nashville. I feel like I’m being led into the right direction. But the time isn’t now.
The wedding burnt me out. At the end of the reception I was spent. Being in a social situation with people I didn’t know plus the constant crappy praise music that I loathe constantly playing during clean up made me want to get away as soon as possible. Other than that, the trip was fun. I can appreciate praise music, but not shitty cookie-cutter crap. The part I liked the most about the trip is hanging out with everyone.
All in all, my week off was pretty good. I almost feel ready to go back to work tomorrow.
Posted in God, friends, trip |
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Another amazing weekend gone by. The last few have been stellar, and I’m grateful. Saturday we had excellent hookah smoking and story telling action, and today I finally caught up on a bit of sleep. The weather was amazing today, and solid ultimate pick-up was played. Sweet pants.
I did find out that I won’t be able to house-sit for Ballz’ folks, since the guest house doesn’t have a shower. But Matt has offered to let me stay at his place for a couple of months, so it all worked out in the end. I’m happy.
I don’t ask God for much, but recently every time I have asked for something, he’s come through for me in a really big way.
Posted in God, friends, hookah, housing, ultimate |
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