Stuffy and Leah got married over the weekend. I got back with Cowboy, Mitch and Carlos around 6pm yesterday (which is a story in itself). I got into work today, and Burly asked me via IM if I was emotionally drained because of the wedding. And the answer I gave was… No! I thought to myself, this must be what normal people feel like after a fun weekend.
Anyway, I guess I hadn’t thought about the fact that I wasn’t drained until Burly asked. I feel like it’s a big step for me. Ever since I started spending time with God again, things have been getting better and better for me. I’ve been able to be myself around more people without feeling drained. I think part of that just comes from life experience and being put into these situations more and more, but a big part of it comes from the support I get from God.
In the past I’ve used the analogy of treading water to describe what it’s like to stay ahead of depression. Sometimes you have to use all your limbs and strength to keep from going under. There’s no land in sight, with only the occasional driftwood to hold on to. With God, I feel more like I have something to stand on, so I have more energy to do other things. I don’t like stupid God analogies like you see on church billboards, but this one is actually true for me.
I’m still trying to figure out how I’m supposed to live, and what God’s place is for me. I doubt that I’ll ever really nail it down, but I’m trying I guess. Maybe that’s all that matters.
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One of my personality traits is that I want to be understood. I take it personally when I feel like someone doesn’t understand who I am. Unfortunately, this clashes somewhat with the fact that I’m a passive person most of the time. If someone hurts my feelings, I sometimes will react in extreme ways as a way to communicate that fact, because I have trouble telling someone directly how I feel.
I’m a people pleaser. I have a hard time being blunt, because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. In my mind, round-about ways of communication are better because it’s less likely to hurt. That’s not usually the case, however. It’s like swallowing poison and hoping for the other person to die. I use that analogy all the time, but it’s still true. I end up hurting myself, and I still haven’t really accomplished the goal of communicating how I feel.
My need to be understood hasn’t and probably won’t change. What can change though is how I react. Through God, I know that someone understands how I feel. And that helps take the edge off so I can be direct with someone.
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Today I’m twenty seven years old. In the past I’ve taken off my birthday from Facebook so I wouldn’t get wall spam, but to be honest, I wouldn’t mind the extra attention this time.
Life has had its ups and downs lately, as usual. I’ve been sticking with doing devotionals every day, and I’m starting to see some progress in my life, I think. My work has been more productive, I’ve been generally happier, and I feel more confident in myself. I haven’t reached the hunger I once had for the Word yet, but I suppose that’s inevitable if I keep at it. I haven’t given up.
I’ve been learning. About friendship and love and humility. Back before college, I used to be pretty knowledgeable about the Bible. Sometimes I re-remember things I knew, but really, it’s not like riding a bike. I’ve forgotten a lot of it. But this time around it’s different anyway, because I’m different. Whatever I knew, I try to forget. I don’t want my cynicism to cloud the truth.
I’ve discovered that I tend to like folky/jazzy/electronic solo female vocalists, such as Sylvie Lewis, Dolores O’Riordan, and Sara Watkins. But right now, I’m feeling a little somber. It’s been a month or so since I’ve listened to Kid A; seems like a good time.
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Tonight was our third game of this year’s season. It’s hard to believe that this is the fourth season we’ve been playing. Some people from work came out this time that had never played before, and it was good to be able to bond with them somewhat in a way that I’ve never had the opportunity to do before.
After the game, I started realizing something about my role in life. I’m a facilitator. I’ve always felt the need to make sure everyone is having fun and feeling comfortable. I enjoy encouraging people. I’m a people pleaser. This comes out the most during an ultimate frisbee game, since I feel somewhat responsible for everyone, being the co-captain of the team. I believe I’m starting to get an inkling of what role God wants me to play; what I was designed to do. It’s a nice feeling. It means that there’s a reason for the way I am after all, which I guess I always knew but had a hard time understanding.
I’ve heard that guys connect to people by doing things together, while girls connect by talking. I don’t know how universally true that is or whatever, but I definitely bond over shared events and outings. Maybe that’s why I’m so devoted to showing up whenever there’s a planned gathering. In fact, I sometimes see others’ lack of enthusiasm to hang out as a lack of friendship. Part of it also is that I don’t want to be left out, since I feel like I avoided people for so long. I still do sometimes, of course. We’re all complicated people.
It was a good game tonight, and good exercise. Now it’s time to relax and watch tonight’s new episode of House.
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Last week I cashed in on some credit card reward points and got a gift certificate for Amazon for some new music. I try to get new-to-me music from artists I don’t currently have, since I play the crap out of my library and I get bored. So far I have:
Feed the Animals makes me happy. It’s fun trying to pick out all of the songs he mixes, although the vulgarity actually gets to me after a while. I picked O’Riordan’s album because I had a hankering for her voice. Instead of getting an album by The Cranberries, I noticed her solo album and went for that instead. It’s pretty good. I think the lyrics are a little weak in the first few songs, but I love her voice.
One Word Extinguisher is pretty good, too. I was looking at his page on Last.fm, and someone posted something about the album being #2 on the top 100 albums of this decade. I mean, it’s a good album, but not THAT good. And definitely not ahead of Kid A. The list also has an LCD Soundsystem album as number one, which I definitely don’t agree with. So I’m not sure how much stock to put in that list. 
This weekend I spent some time alone on purpose for a change. I realized for the past couple of weeks I had been frantically trying to spend time with people. I stopped and took a breath and told myself I don’t have to hang out with people all the time to feel good about myself. It helped. I felt good about just saying no to a couple of social gatherings. My anxiety level from last week went down.
I treated myself to the Prince of Persia pack from Steam and started playing the first game. It’s fun. It’s been a while since I’ve really played a video game that wasn’t online.
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