Last week was a bit rough for me in spots. The previous two weeks were filled with preparation for bachelor party and wedding stuff, so I was in constant contact with lots of people. Last week, everything started going back to normal, and I had some trouble. I got a little lonely. I thought and re-thought about the events of the wedding weekend, and the week seemed a little drab in comparison.
This morning was probably the worst of it, as I got to thinking about relationships. In the past year I’ve seen several of my close friends find love, and sometimes it bums me out. I sometimes think, “When is my turn?” I try to remember that I’ve been blessed by great friendships, yet I find myself feeling left out. In the past few weeks, though, I feel like God has been opening doors for me. I’ve been more confident in myself because I feel secure knowing that God has my back. I’ve had some great conversations with people that I don’t think would have previously been possible.
Even so, this reintroduction into religion has been a struggle. The key for me has been to be myself as much as I can. In high school, I tried to force away any doubt I had as forcefully as possible, and the result was depression. I’m trying my best to listen to myself and address any questions that come up. I try to take others’ opinions about God with grains of salt, to make up my own mind, and to be receptive to the Spirit. I think this is the healthy way to go about it. I want to hang on to who I am, but be willing to change.
In any event, I feel my life changing for the better more and more each day.
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I’m learning that some people are harder to crack than others. Most people are willing to be a little vulnerable in order to make friends. Once they know that vulnerability is rewarding, they open up a little more to that person, then a little more, until they’re good friends.
To get to know someone, usually it means exposing yourself. Each step in a friendship means exposing yourself a little more. I think that every person has a emotional barrier that is the breaking point between friend and good friend. Probably there are lots of little and big barriers.
In one of my friendships, I feel like I’m stuck, but I want to go deeper. I’m starting to think that I have to reveal more of myself to learn less than I reveal. It’s frustrating. I’m starting to think that I need to make a big move to get anywhere. Maybe it’ll work; maybe not. But stagnancy is lame.
Why do I want to do this? I guess I see some of myself in them, and I want to help. Maybe I want to feel less alone. Maybe I want the rush of going out on a limb. I like solving puzzles, and this puzzle is difficult and somewhat personal.
I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get up the courage any time soon. Maybe I’ll decide it’s not worth it.
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Friday I caught a bug. My guess is I got it from the staff gym on Thursday. It’s on the outs now, but it kicked my ass for a day or two. I took Friday off work and slept it off enough to make it to Burly’s wedding on Saturday. The wedding was good.
Over the past few days I also decided to work on a little theme change for the blog. WordPress 2.7 came out last week, and I felt a new theme was in order. It’s a lot like the old theme, except the HTML/CSS behind is lot cleaner in my opinion. It’s always good to look back at code you wrote a year or two ago and think, “Man, that code sucks.” It means that you’ve gotten better since then.
I had a brief brainwave today about relationships and what they mean to me. The last part of Brian’s latest post made me think a little. For a while now, I’ve looked at the need to have a romantic relationship as weak. Trying to hook up with someone strikes me as lustful and as a sign of low self-esteem. Why would someone want to spend the effort needed to charm someone into a relationship? Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: sick, site, survivor, weddings
Posted in relationships |
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I had a long time to myself on the way back from Arkansas to think.
The thing that blows me away about marriage is the whole “freely giving” thing. Freely giving yourself to someone else. I have a history of doing this and getting my heart broken. I think most of the time, people have done it without knowing it and not on purpose.
The first time I remember really being hurt was by my youth pastor. I looked up to him probably more than anyone in my life at the time, and then one day, he told us he was leaving. Just like that. Leaving. It broke my heart.
Then there was the debacle of my relationship with Emily. Due to poor timing and very poor communication and misunderstandings, it left me in shambles.
More recently it has happened with my friends. I’ve written all about this many times. I think this weekend I realized how much I’ve hardened my heart to protect myself. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in God, marriage, relationships |
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So after months and months, Matt’s wedding was finally this weekend. I took off work Friday in order to make the drive to Arkansas for the rehearsal. I made it with plenty of time, and we played frisbee beforehand. The rehearsal itself was a bit rough for me, as there was a lot of conversation in various groups during the downtime. Thankfully, I had my iPod and a book.
After the rehearsal, we had dinner. It was an emotional experience. Matt’s brother-in-law gave the toast, telling the story of how Matt and Cat started dating. Cat’s sister, Kara, also told her bit. Then it snowballed a bit to everyone opening up about their feelings towards Matt and Cat. It was a very powerful time. Read the rest of this entry »
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