Anyway, I guess I hadn’t thought about the fact that I wasn’t drained until Burly asked. I feel like it’s a big step for me. Ever since I started spending time with God again, things have been getting better and better for me. I’ve been able to be myself around more people without feeling drained. I think part of that just comes from life experience and being put into these situations more and more, but a big part of it comes from the support I get from God.

In the past I’ve used the analogy of treading water to describe what it’s like to stay ahead of depression. Sometimes you have to use all your limbs and strength to keep from going under. There’s no land in sight, with only the occasional driftwood to hold on to. With God, I feel more like I have something to stand on, so I have more energy to do other things. I don’t like stupid God analogies like you see on church billboards, but this one is actually true for me.

I’m still trying to figure out how I’m supposed to live, and what God’s place is for me. I doubt that I’ll ever really nail it down, but I’m trying I guess. Maybe that’s all that matters.

It turns out that one of the first people I told was Matt, who really wanted to go, too. Matt asked his brother-in-law and sister if we could stay with them, and they agreed. They helped us out a lot.

So right after Joey’s recital on Saturday afternoon, we left for Dave’s and Ginger’s place in Virginia. We got there a bit after midnight, slept, and got up early on Sunday to drive to the ski resort. We were gonna go to Wintergreen, but it turned out that Winterplace in West Virginia was a little closer, a little cheaper, and the forecast was a little better. So we went there instead.

It was awesome. It snowed all day long. Towards the end, it snowed harder than I have ever seen in my life. It was a great experience.

We left this morning and got back in time to go to the Saucer. Matt opted to stay home, so I went without him. Throughout the course of the evening, a couple of things happened that made me feel a little disconnected from people. I went home and felt even more disconnected when I started thinking about things. Then I started feeling anxious. I just got home from a great trip where I finally got to unwind a bit, and already I’m feeling anxious.

It struck me how emotionally fragile I really am right now. I feel like a stiff breeze would do me in. Ever since a month ago, I’ve been like this. Something happened that knocked me off balance, and I’ve been unable to gain my feet. Teetering and tottering on the edge of a breakdown. Tonight I caught myself thinking about how much easier life would be if I just withdrew and shrunk the number of friendships I have so I can somehow manage them better. I feel like I’m spreading myself too thin. My self-esteem depends too much on other people. I need them, but sometimes I hate that need. I try to rationalize away things they do to me, however minor they may be, so that I can keep holding on.

Withdrawing from everyone sounds like a really good idea to me right now. Yet, I feel like that won’t really solve anything at all. That doesn’t make me not want to do it, though.

People hurt other people. It’s just the way life is. Maybe the key to having healthy friendships is having somewhat of a reservoir of self-esteem so that when they hurt you, which is inevitable, you can fall back on your little reservoir and be okay. My reservoir is sort of depleted. My defense against being rejected is weak, and I don’t really have much trust left to go around in order to be vulnerable to people. I’m rationing what trust I currently have to the people I feel most comfortable with.

Sometimes it just helps to write everything out so that you can maybe see a glimpse of what you think is the answer.

Their family is very unusual; they all love spending time together for days at a time. They have so much love for each other; one can’t help but feel loved just being around them. They touch me in a way that I doubt they even know about. I found myself fighting back tears multiple times while listening to their family play music together. My emotional walls broke down, and I learned things about myself.

God reaches me when I’m with them. I see the power of God’s blessing on them, and it makes me consider my own relationship with God.

A lot of the time in social situations, I try to be like a fly on the wall. Maybe I secretly feel like I have nothing to add. So it’s kind of odd when someone reaches out to me in a meaningful way that touches my heart, because I’m not used to it. When I go visit the Singletons, it feels like my spirit wakes up more than any other time. As good of friends that my group of friends is, I don’t feel the overflowing love like I do with Matt’s family.

“I never knew how empty was my soul, until it was filled.”

Matt and Catherine and I also had some really great conversations during the trips there and back. We talked about relationships and personalities and things that matter. I was able to say some things that have been on my mind for ages, and I learned things. More than anything, I enjoy connecting with another human being, and I feel like I did that this weekend. It empowers me.

It’s hard to know exactly how much and in what way you affect someone else’s life.

The creator of Ruby, Matz, gave a keynote this morning to open the conference. He talked about how love is the driving force behind Ruby. It’s his love of programming languages that drove him to design Ruby and the love of the Ruby community that has kept it going. Other Japanese speakers gave talks, too, and they were very passionate. It’s obvious that they care a great deal for what Ruby has become. It’s hard not to be touched by it.

Having been in the Ruby community for 3 years or so now, I’ve discovered some things about the kind of people who use Ruby. It seems like several of the people who are big names in the community are somewhat insecure. They need to be in the spotlight. Sometimes, they’re also assholes. There are very cool Ruby developers, too, but to be well-known, it seems like you have to be something of an ass.

I don’t know if that’s true of all open source communities, but I certainly feel that way sometimes about Ruby’s. Most of the people I meet at conferences are generally cool, so it’s not like everyone is a douche bag or something. I mean, it’s always fun being around lots of like-minded people. I do enjoy myself and learn a lot, but sometimes things just feel a bit off to me. Granted, most brilliant people tend to be a bit socially inept and eccentric, and there is definitely some of that going on in the Ruby community. Maybe that’s all it is.

The Japanese Ruby developers have impressed me a lot so far. Matz’s talk about love really was a breath of fresh air. They seem to be genuinely caring and affectionate towards the people who use Ruby. I appreciate that, a lot. Here in the states, there is definitely some douchebaggery now and again. It’s nice to see things from a new perspective.

My roommate at the hotel snores and tosses in his sleep.

Speaking of the hotel here, it kinda sucks. It’s in the middle of nowhere, and they charge ridiculous prices for small things. For example, I had Chinese for dinner last night and brought half of it back so I could eat it later. Except, this hotel has no microwaves. You can have one sent to your room… for $20 a night. I mean, what the hell is that. Also, the only fridge in the room is a minibar that’s already stuffed with crap that costs $3 if you breathe on it wrong. For $159 a night, I expect better than that.

The hotel’s internet has been one of its few redeeming qualities. It’s held up well, even with 500+ people using wireless access at once. But, there are very few power sources in the ballrooms where talks are being held, so everyone has to try to charge their laptops as much as they can in the lobby between sessions. Portland is definitely a way better place for a conference than Orlando.

Other than that, the talks have been generally very good so far.

Okay, I guess I better try to get some sleep. Ugh.

After the rehearsal, we had dinner. It was an emotional experience. Matt’s brother-in-law gave the toast, telling the story of how Matt and Cat started dating. Cat’s sister, Kara, also told her bit. Then it snowballed a bit to everyone opening up about their feelings towards Matt and Cat. It was a very powerful time.

Saturday started early with breakfast, which was succeeded by the reception preparation. We set up chairs and rinsed fruits and veggies and what not. After a bit more frisbee, we ate lunch and set up a bit more. It was time to put on tuxes a lot sooner than I expected. We dressed and took pictures and then drove to the church.

After we got there, there were more pictures, and finally it was time for things to get going. The groomsmen ushered in the bridesmaids, and we watched Cat walk down the isle. She was beautiful. Dave gave the sermon and what not, and I threatened to cry, but held it back. After the exchange of rings, Matt’s sisters and Stuffy performed a hymn. That’s what did it to me. I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore after that.

When they were pronounced, we all happily recessed and greeted people as they walked out. After a while we went to the reception. Now, I usually hate receptions. I complained a lot to various people for the few days beforehand in anticipation of it sucking. But, lo and behold, I had a blast. I even danced.

Whenever I’m here with Matt’s family, I can’t help but feel God’s blessing rubbing off them onto me. His family is amazingly blessed, and they’re just getting more blessed as time goes by. They’ve touched my life more than they know.

Back during the rehearsal dinner, I did a lot of thinking. People told stories about Matt and Cat, and I realized how special they are and how special their relationship is. I couldn’t help thinking about my own life and felt myself wanting to be special, too. There’s only a few times in life when you really find out what you mean to people and what they mean to you. This was one of those times for Matt and Catherine. I caught myself wondering what people would say about me if I had been the one up there getting married.

During this weekend I discovered how much my relationship with both of them means to me. Matt and I have been friends since college, and even though I knew Catherine then, it’s only been in the past couple of years that I’ve gotten to know her. It’s really hard to put into words how much friendship means. They’ve become a big part of my life, and I love them both.

It’s been an emotional couple of days. It was a great wedding and a great reception. It was a time for friends and family. I’m truly grateful to have been a part of it. And I actually had a good time.

Tomorrow we head out early after breakfast. My knee is still bothering me. I might have to go get it checked out if it doesn’t improve in a week or two.

They welcome me with open arms whenever I come to visit. That means a great deal to me. I care for them all a lot.

Sometimes when things seem to be going perfectly, I tend to look for imperfections. In my past, things that seemed “perfect” weren’t really perfect at all. In fact, there was merely a thin veneer of goodness over a painful and coarse truth. So I try to look for problems so that I know that something really is what it appears to be. It’s a cynical way to live, and I’m not as trusting as maybe I should be.

The truth is that the Singletons have had their share of problems. Some of them very serious. But the fact that they’ve overcome them and grown from them shows how strong their family really is.

The problem with suspecting hidden turmoil all the time is the potential to subconsciously desire for things to go awry. It’s a bad way to live. I hope that I grow out of it someday.

I told Stuffy a few weeks ago that it’s just been one thing after another for what seems like a long time. He said that’s how it’s always been. I didn’t really want to believe that, because I wanted to be able to look forward to a lull in the drama. But as long as I continue to have friends and meet people and try to keep growing, which will happen as long as I live if I’m lucky, there will always be one thing after another. That’s life, I guess. The sooner I accept that and start approaching that fact in a positive way, the better. I suppose. Heh.

Well I finally get to sleep on a couch for the first time this trip, so I’m gonna get to that right away. Night.

What are the pros? Cheaper rent and utilities. More people around to keep you company. Someone to talk to.

I think the cons are starting to outweigh the pros for me. I’m starting to want privacy a lot more often. Little things have been bothering me, too. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been a bit used; my roommates get a lot more use out of some of my belongings than I do. Not to say that they don’t get annoyed with me sometimes, too, because I’m sure they do.

I have a good job, and I’m single. I can afford my own apartment. Moving out on my own also has its own set of problems, but what scenario wouldn’t? The question is whether or not those problems are worth dealing with. The biggest fear I’ve always had about it is feeling alone.

It would be nice though to come home to a place after work everyday where nothing has moved or changed since I left it. Drinks or food I put in the fridge would still be there when I got back. I could leave laundry in the dryer without worrying about someone moving my clothes. I could have a furry little cat named “Beer” that would be happy to see me whenever I walked in the door.

Tomorrow I’m road tripping with Matt and Catherine, who are recently engaged. Natalie was gonna go, too, but she backed out. I’m a little concerned about feeling out of place with the two lovebirds, but not too concerned. They’re both my friends, after all, and I’m fond of everyone that will be at our destination. I have a contingency plan at the ready just in case they start getting all lovey-dovey without me. (Namely a book and some headphones.)

So praise be to God for that. I hope the rest of this holiday season turns out as well for everyone as my trip did.