challenges
December 30th, 2007

Living with roommates creates its own sets of challenges. One person cleans something, only for it to be dirtied up again by someone else. Someone watches the TV or plays video games when someone else wants to use it for something else. The list goes on.

What are the pros? Cheaper rent and utilities. More people around to keep you company. Someone to talk to.

I think the cons are starting to outweigh the pros for me. I’m starting to want privacy a lot more often. Little things have been bothering me, too. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been a bit used; my roommates get a lot more use out of some of my belongings than I do. Not to say that they don’t get annoyed with me sometimes, too, because I’m sure they do.

I have a good job, and I’m single. I can afford my own apartment. Moving out on my own also has its own set of problems, but what scenario wouldn’t? The question is whether or not those problems are worth dealing with. The biggest fear I’ve always had about it is feeling alone.

It would be nice though to come home to a place after work everyday where nothing has moved or changed since I left it. Drinks or food I put in the fridge would still be there when I got back. I could leave laundry in the dryer without worrying about someone moving my clothes. I could have a furry little cat named “Beer” that would be happy to see me whenever I walked in the door.

Tomorrow I’m road tripping with Matt and Catherine, who are recently engaged. Natalie was gonna go, too, but she backed out. I’m a little concerned about feeling out of place with the two lovebirds, but not too concerned. They’re both my friends, after all, and I’m fond of everyone that will be at our destination. I have a contingency plan at the ready just in case they start getting all lovey-dovey without me. (Namely a book and some headphones.)

rules of the road
December 24th, 2007

I drove to Virginia today, and it was one of the best trips I’ve ever had. It didn’t rain. At all. I can’t remember the last time that happened. Traffic was minimal, and I hardly saw any cops. Even driving through Knoxville, the worst god-forsaken place on the planet to drive through, was easy going. I didn’t get tired either, and I only got angry at someone once.

So praise be to God for that. I hope the rest of this holiday season turns out as well for everyone as my trip did.

long weekend
November 25th, 2007

I’m back home after quite a trek. In 5 days I’ve spent over 20 hours in the car and been in 5 different states. I’m tired.

wedding
October 21st, 2007

I got back from SC a few hours ago. It was a good time. The Singleton family is a blessing to me.

I haven’t really been to church in years. I strongly dislike what American church is, and in the past few years I’ve kept my distance from God. Church doesn’t make me want to be closer to God. What makes me think about God, though, more than almost anything else, is stories from people I revere and respect.

Aaron, Matt’s brother-in-law, shared a story at the wedding rehearsal that touched me. He, his wife Betsy (Matt’s sister), Ginger (bride), and Dave (groom) have all been close friends for a few years now. Aaron talked about how their friendship was put in jeopardy. I don’t know the details, but I guess it had something to do with Ginger’s and Dave’s relationship. He said that was the darkest time in his life, and when everything was in question, God was there for them. That kind of thing makes me take notice. It reminds me of the things I liked about being friends with God back in the day.

I went up to Aaron after his toast and told him that I’ve gone through struggles with my best friends because of relationships.

I know that there’s reason to be close to God. I know that because of my friends and family. But my friends’ and family’s faith isn’t my faith, and until I figure it out on my own, there can be no full reconciliation. I know that God has helped me since I came to Nashville. I feel like I’m being led into the right direction. But the time isn’t now.

The wedding burnt me out. At the end of the reception I was spent. Being in a social situation with people I didn’t know plus the constant crappy praise music that I loathe constantly playing during clean up made me want to get away as soon as possible. Other than that, the trip was fun. I can appreciate praise music, but not shitty cookie-cutter crap. The part I liked the most about the trip is hanging out with everyone.

All in all, my week off was pretty good. I almost feel ready to go back to work tomorrow.

intimacy
October 18th, 2007

Today I drove halfway to Raleigh to visit my parents. I had a lot of time to think about things. I’m staying the night in a hotel.

I think for the first time during my week off I’ve managed to unwind enough to see what’s going on inside of me. I realized that I’m still healing from the conversation I had with Nate a couple of weeks ago. Some of my flaws were pointed out to me, and I did some pointing out of what I thought were flaws of other people. It wasn’t easy. I’m still trying to feel normal again on some level.

If there’s one thing that I’m going to try to take away from that experience is that it’s better to talk to friends about problems instead of hoping they’ll go away.

I got to thinking about my relationship status. Single. Why is that? I did some thinking about it. Every time that I think about having a girlfriend, I end up ask myself why. Is life somehow incomplete without one? If so, why? Is it for sex? Sure, I have sex drive, but my libido is pretty much never strong enough to be a good reason.

My reason ultimately tends to be that I need a girlfriend to fill some insecurity. Usually it’s because I don’t want to be left out. I mean, dating is a huge part of our culture. People get married all the time. More and more of my friends are getting into serious relationships. I guess that means I should be looking for a girl, since everyone else seems to be, right?

But then my self-esteem training kicks in. I don’t need approval from anyone to justify my actions. I don’t need to do something just to fit in. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. Then that desire to be in an intimate relationship with a woman goes away. I don’t need one. BUT, if someone were to come along, and we fell in love, well that’d be fine with me.

I sound really convinced, don’t I?

Maybe there really is something wrong with me. Maybe I’m terrified of intimacy. Maybe I’m scared shitless to share some of the crazy shit that goes on inside me with someone else. That’s probably part of it. I’m holding a finger in the hole of the emotional dam that is my soul, and whenever a girl comes along that I consider a “candidate”, I get excited and everything comes pouring out. That’s a surefire way to scare the hell out of someone.

During the trip I listened to Kid A for the first time since In Rainbows came out. Kid A is still easily my favorite Radiohead album. I’d probably put In Rainbows third on my list, behind OK Computer.

After visiting my parents for a day, I’ll be heading to Ginger’s wedding. For now, it’s bed time.