I’m a people pleaser. I don’t like disappointing people, which is why I’m kind of noncommittal sometimes. When someone asks me if I want to do something that I probably don’t want to do, I say ‘maybe’. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m starting to get to the point where I’m getting tired of not giving straight answers, but the look of disappointment in someone’s eyes stabs me.

Being a pleaser also makes me do things I would otherwise choose to not do. On a scale from 1 to 10 on how much I want to do something, I will do a 3 or 4 for someone so as to not disappoint them.

At work it drives me to get things done. I had a meeting yesterday where I had to tell someone how long I thought it would take to complete their project. I told them two to three months, and the look they gave me sucked. Granted, it’s not going to take that long, but pleasing them makes me want to get it done that much faster.

I don’t know if it’s a spiritual thing or a personality thing, but sometimes it’s annoying. I sometimes admire people who just don’t give a shit, because sometimes I really wish I didn’t care about people.

Sometimes I go back and re-read a post I made and realize that I’m not a good enough writer to put into words how I’m feeling. I can’t express in writing how sad I am sometimes, or how happy, or what I’m thinking about. It’s frustrating. It always seems so much more emotional to me when I’m writing it than when I go back and read it.

I’m feeling better since earlier. I went to Megan’s birthday party, and even though I didn’t feel like talking to anyone much, it made me feel a little better. I didn’t have hardly any human contact on Saturday at all. Just stayed in the whole day. Being around people drew me out of myself a little bit today.

You know, it’s easy to blame someone else for your troubles.

I’ve been watching Law and Order, and I keep seeing commercials for Starter Wife, some USA miniseries. I have to say that those kinds of shows make me sick. Granted, I’m a man, but I’m not a fan at all.

Today around 11 I took a bath and read a book and got ready to go eat lunch at the Sir. I was all ready to go around 12:45, when I couldn’t find my phone. I looked everywhere. Couldn’t find it. Then I started flipping out. It was late enough that I felt like I need to let people know I was coming but would be late. I looked some more. Still couldn’t find it. That’s when I gave up and decided not to go at all.

Then I was sitting in Stuffy’s recliner that he let me borrow and felt it vibrate. I had already looked in it several times for my phone. So I took off the back of the chair and found my phone, finally. Too late to eat lunch, but I found it. So then I tried to put chair back together. It wouldn’t go. I tried over and over. I started getting angry and flipping out again. I gave up.

Now I’m emotionally shaken. Why did I flip out so much? Like, flipped out to the point of almost crying. I feel a little broken inside. I’m feeling lonely and abandoned.

Normally, depending on the company I’m in, I try to tone myself down to a level that I feel is “acceptable”. I’ve decided that I’m tired of doing that. There are limits. I mean, at work (for example) I obviously can’t be completely candid all the time. When I am censoring myself to a point where it’s uncomfortable, that’s when it’s too much. I do it to gain the favor of certain people and to make sure they’re comfortable, but at some point I don’t care anymore if they get offended. Be an adult; quit being so naive and disgusted.

I hate walking on eggshells around certain people all the time.